Alas the summer is upon us. Exams are over, stress levels have dissipated and lectures and tutorials are all but a distant memory. Through the intense “study” and “hard work” that was done throughout the college term (cough), one can only be forgiven for failing to keep up-to-date with all the celebrity socialising and scandals that have taken place over the past six months. But never fear my friends as I feel it is within my duty to keep you informed about the latest and most important news in the world of Celebland. So having read this lil’ summary of the top events of the year so far, you’ll be giving Mr. Perez Hilton himself a run for his money.
I hate to start the countdown on a cheesy and depressing pun but Houston, we have a problem. On the 11th February, the world of celebrities and average peasants alike waved goodbye to one the most talented singing sensations on the planet. Whitney Houston was found in the bath of her hotel room on the eve of The Grammy Awards and later pronounced dead at the scene. The troubled singer’s autopsy revealed that the cause of death was drowning, effects of heart disease and cocaine use. For one night only the world joined to commemorate the life of an exceptional talent, and naturally enough a Glee tribute episode has since been aired. Whitney Houston, R.I.P. We will always love you. (One of my last puns I swear.)
But as they say with a death comes new life… or some saying along those lines. In early February, the music industry’s biggest couple brought a little (Blue) ray of hope into their lives. Yes in nothing but true luxury, Beyoncé welcomed Blue Ivy Carter into a life which will undoubtedly be filled with bling, Barbies and Bentleys. In a touching tribute to his daughter, Jay-Z released his single “Glory” which features little Blue Ivy towards the end. Jay-Z raps “I paint the sky Blue/ My greatest creation was you.” Er, maybe someone should tell Jay-Z to take of his shades. He will realise that the sky is already blue… Nonetheless we understand what he means… kind of. Mrs. B herself was only recently named World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine. Obviously she had much greater competition than FHM’s winner Tulisa Contostavlos. What has become of the world we do not know…
Just as birth and death in Celebland go hand in hand, surprisingly enough so does marriage and divorce. Unfortunately for this next star, she covered them both this year. Who else could it be only Kim Kardashian? If you don’t know who she is, she is the girl that Georgia Salpa looks like. And if you don’t know who Georgia Salpa is then you’re a failure to men across the nation. Poor aul’ Kim K’s marriage to NBA star Kris Humphries lasted a meagre 72 days. Her marriage was supposed to be a rival to Kate and William’s, but it turned out to be more like Charles and Diana’s minus the philandering, royalty and world famous car crash… well just the divorce part really. But that was back in December and eight months in their money and glamour filled world is about a month in the life of plebs like us. So her new man is none other than Kanye “Imma let you finish” West. Seriously Kim Kim, did you see the MTV Music Awards before?? Doesn’t seem like a very nice person. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Another divorce that we were sad to see was that of Katy Perry and Russell Brand. The two famous crazies called quits on their 14 month marriage and officially divorced in February. Now, we could be all sad about this but since the split Katy has banged out some whopper angry choons such as: “This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no/ This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no/Throw your sticks and stones/ Throw your bombs and your blows/ But you’re not gonna break my soul/ This is the part of me that you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no,” *whilst violently finger wagging and screaming into hairbrush. You go guurll!
Another famous popstar who has been giving it her all in the music of late is Nicki Minaj. I will admit that yes, she is a legend, but I am convinced if you take the word b*tch and mothaf*cka out of her vocabulary her songs will be left lyric-less. If one brightly coloured, eyelash fluttering woman wasn’t enough, Nicki has created a nation of “Barbz.” Yes. A NATION OF BARBZ, i.e. a nation of mini Nicki Minajs’. If you can think of all of Lady Gaga’s little “monsters,” apply the Barbz as an evil, corruptive and evil group of Barbies from Toy Story to that concept, then you are slightly along the right path. If you ask me, celebs are taking the world domination idea waaay too far these days. However I am currently in the process of creating my own “Shaniques/Shaunzz” nation. Anyone interested feel free to get in contact (please?)
So as if Barbz, little monsters and Beliebers weren’t enough, a new force is slowly but surely invading the minds of teenage girls across the globe… Directioners. According to Urban Dictionary “A Directioner is someone who is a dedicated fan for life of a band called One Direction. A Directioner knows more about the One Direction boys then they know about themselves.” Niall and co. feel free to call the police on 911 anytime. It seems like only a year ago they were baby faced cutie pies on The X Factor. Just five boys with a dream… a dream of getting older women it seems. First Zayn Malik hooked up with mum of two Rebecca Ferguson and then Harry Styles works the charm on 32 year old Caroline Flack. It seems that all women who are in any way connected with the One Direction boys immediately receive death threats on Twitter and Facebook. So once again lads, I will stress it, 911.
So there you have it. You are now up to a socially acceptable level of celebrity entertainment news. If the past six months have been anything to go by, then this summer is going be one keraazy rollercoaster through the triumphs and turmoils of the people who make our lives seem like shit. Oh well, bring it on celebrities. We await your next move.